WHY?

I`d like to know why, at 37 years old, some people still give me panic attacks. I know it is my problem to deal with but I always wonder what they would say if I actually told them `hey Dude, do you realize that I have panic attacks when I know that I will be around you?`I wonder if they would be all sorry and apologetic, telling me they will change their ways to make me feel better or would they be all dumbfounded and disgusted with me thinking that I am a total loser? I`m almost positive it would  be the disgust one but with an eyeroll thrown in for good measure.
I find myself doing the SNL Ì`m good enough`routine in the mirror before I leave the house and hope this person is in a great mood and leaves me the hell alone.
How do I keep attracting these people into my life?And how do I deal with them when they pop up? I would really like to run away but that would be chicken of me.
So until I figure out the magic way to deal with these type of people I will just have to stand in front of the mirror and say "I am good enough, I am smart enough, and gall-darnit people like me".

Things that make you go HMMMMMM

So I decided to so something for me, just me. No husband, no kids, no nobody, just me and what happens ??? I fracture my tibia! Are you freaking kidding me?
I started training for the sun run with some girlfriends. 3 times a week we would get together run and solve all the worlds problems, it was great. I didn`t miss a run for 6 weeks then I noticed my shin was really starting to hurt, not just a little pain but not being able to walk without crying pain. I was sure it was just a sign of old age so I decided to muscle through the pain and keep running. Last week I ended up talking to a Dr in my office who suggested I go for x-rays due to the fact that I couldn`t get my shoe on, so I did and surprise! A fractured tibia, so what do I do now? Well stay off of your leg and put ice on the swelling, no running for 6 weeks and then slowly! Seriously?
I was almost at the point where I actually looked forward to going for a run and then BANG.
What the hell am I going to do now? I can`t walk,run, stretch or even put pressure on my leg without it hurting. With running I lowered my stress level to about a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1 to 10, now I`m back up to 9.
So for the next 6 weeks I am going to be a grouchy, emotional, pudgy mommy with a sore leg.
Makes me wonder what next?

My Dad Has Cancer

My Dad has cancer and I feel lost. We know that it is terminal and have been told to get Dad`s affairs in order but it just doesn`t seem real. Dad`s are always there to help you and answer your questions he can`t be going so soon.

My emotions are on a roller coaster, I go from crying to laughing in a matter of seconds. I actually wish I had more time to cry but with 2 kids, a husband, a full time job and Christmas around the corner I don`t have the time. I`m trying not to be a total downer, the kids don`t need to see me like that but it is freaking hard.

Dad was telling me the other night about what he is leaving for Jamie and the kids and I just about snapped! For crap sake he`s not dead yet! I`m not naive, I know his time is limited but damn it let`s get through this freaking Christmas without talking death stuff.

I`ve been asked how I`m doing with knowing this is Dad`s last Christmas and I thought what the hell are you talking about? Who says this is his last Christmas? I`m so tired of talking to people, how`s your dad?, how are you doing? how`s your mom? Well let`s think about it for a minute...................... my dad is dying, I`m hanging on by a thread, and my mom is in disaster mode (keeping everyone happy). I know people are uncomfortable and don`t know what to say and they probably really do honestly want to know but jumping jupiter shut the hell up!

I tend to be a glass half full kind of person but I am really struggling to keep it that way.

We go to the oncologist this week to get more information and realistically we will probably get more shitty news but my glass half full way will have us getting some good news about the drug I found on the Internet and everything will be just fine!

My wish for Christmas is that my family is together and happy and healthy and that I don`t cry, I`m an ugly crier!

One day at a time!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Life is Busy!

I can`t believe it`s been 3 months since I started my `new`job. I knew that working full time was going to be busy but holy hannah it`s been crazy busy!!!!! The worst part of all is that I am loving it! The kids are doing great in school, only 2 letters home from the teacher for Travis so not that bad, and they are really enjoying the Boys and Girls club plus there is hockey for Travis and ballett for Rebecca. WOW. My job is great for the most part, I`m still learning a lot and making some crazy mistakes but the Drs, Krista and most of the patients make it a fun place to be. I do wish there were a few more hours in the day so I could have some me time but that`s ok, for now. Mom has been helping out by coming in once a week to tidy the house and get the kids laundry done so that it is a major help, I just need to work on getting suppers on the table before 7:pm, but oh well I was never a beautiful, healthy dinner type mom anyways. Anyone have any simple dinner recipes that would work for some fussy kids and a starving husband? I could use a little help in that department.

Well I am off and running, laundry to do, hospitals to visit, trailer to clean and a bed calling my name for an afternoon nap! Good night. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

JOB INTERVIEW 2

I went out and `pounded the pavement`today, I guess it was more of a light pat than an actual pounding (I only handed out 3 resumes) but it was a really good experience. I had an interview right away and it went really well, they told me that they really liked me and that I would be great at the job, and the hours are fantastic but the job is not even close to being what I want. Yesterday was a great job with not so great hours, today was not so great job with great hours! I`m very excited about what tomorrow will bring because 3 is my lucky number! Bring on interview number 3!

JOB INTERVIEW!

I had a job interview today! I`m so very excited! I`m not sure that it is the job for me, only because of the hours (monday-friday 8:30-4:30) but the job itself sounds really interesting. The 2nd round of interviews should be within the next week and I am hoping I get a call back, at least then I would know how I did in my interview.

Until I hear back I am not giving up on my June 26th deadline of finding a job. I will have a job by the 26th!

Wish me luck!

I WILL!

I WILL HAVE A JOB BY MY 37TH BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY JUNE 26TH 2010.
I WILL HAVE A JOB BY MY 37TH BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY JUNE 26TH 2010.
I WILL HAVE A JOB BY MY 37TH BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY JUNE 26TH 2010.
I WILL HAVE A JOB BY MY 37TH BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY JUNE 26TH 2010.
I WILL HAVE A JOB BY MY 37TH BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY JUNE 26TH 2010.
I WILL HAVE A JOB BY MY 37TH BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAYJUNE 26TH 2010.
I WILL HAVE A JOB BY MY 37TH BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAYJUNE 26TH 2010.

MY PERFECT JOB IS WAITING FOR ME.
MY PERFECT JOB IS WAITING FOR ME.
MY PERFECT JOB IS WAITING FOR ME.
MY PERFECT JOB IS WAITING FOR ME.
MY PERFECT JOB IS WAITING FOR ME.
MY PERFECT JOB IS WAITING FOR ME.
MY PERFECT JOB IS WAITING FOR ME.

I AM STARTING MY PERFECT ADMINISTRATION JOB ON JULY 5TH.
I AM STARTING MY PERFECT ADMINISTRATION JOB ON JULY 5TH.
I AM STARTING MY PERFECT ADMINISTRATION JOB ON JULY 5TH.
I AM STARTING MY PERFECT ADMINISTRATION JOB ON JULY 5TH.
I AM STARTING MY PERFECT ADMINISTRATION JOB ON JULY 5TH.
I AM STARTING MY PERFECT ADMINISTRATION JOB ON JULY 5TH.
I AM STARTING MY PERFECT ADMINISTRATION JOB ON JULY 5TH.

I AM WORKING MONDAY TO THURSDAY.
I AM WORKING MONDAY TO THURSDAY.
I AM WORKING MONDAY TO THURSDAY.
I AM WORKING MONDAY TO THURSDAY.
I AM WORKING MONDAY TO THURSDAY.
I AM WORKING MONDAY TO THURSDAY.
I AM WORKING MONDAY TO THURSDAY.

MY HOURS ARE 9-2.
MY HOURS ARE 9-2.
MY HOURS ARE 9-2.
MY HOURS ARE 9-2.
MY HOURS ARE 9-2.
MY HOURS ARE 9-2.
MY HOURS ARE 9-2.

I AM GOOD AT MY JOB AND IT IS GOOD TO ME.
I AM GOOD AT MY JOB AND IT IS GOOD TO ME.
I AM GOOD AT MY JOB AND IT IS GOOD TO ME.
I AM GOOD AT MY JOB AND IT IS GOOD TO ME.
I AM GOOD AT MY JOB AND IT IS GOOD TO ME.
I AM GOOD AT MY JOB AND IT IS GOOD TO ME.
I AM GOOD AT MY JOB AND IT IS GOOD TO ME!